June 2009 – An experimental week without Facebook and Twitter

I declared last Sunday, on Facebook, that I would be going on Facebook hiatus. I didn’t say for how long, but in my mind, I’d be quitting FB and Twitter cold turkey for one week. I am 5 days into this experiment. I find myself resisting that URL address bar like an unsmoked half pack in the back upper corner of my closet, kept for emergency use only. Nagging at my mind every couple minutes. But mind you, I don’t smoke. Never have. I know my addictive personality well enough to not bother trying. Just thought it was an appropriate simile for habit breaking. But I haven’t faltered yet. Those links are everywhere, though. EVERYONE trying to be someone is on Twitter, to the point of ridiculosity. Well, not really…just businesses, oddly enough. CKNW, CNN, BBC Science, BBC Health, Daily Planet…(my personal favourites) …and there was that one week where everyone hopped the bandwagon at the same time. T’was an odd week.

But I couldn’t have picked a more interesting week to go FB/Twit free. I just couldn’t break the habit of thinking that my thoughts all needed to be expressed and thrown into some intangible online world, that, excepting global nuclear meltdown circumstances coinciding with the time of my death, will exist beyond me, providing that inactive accounts don’t get deleted after a certain period of time, and there isn’t a massive server crash affecting all the backup copies of my accounts…etc. SO…I took to writing down all my thoughts on index cards. GOD do I love index cards. For some reason of kinaesthetic x visual learning it works for me. And here are some of the thoughts that rampaged through a manic mind going through withdrawl. Actually, happily, this week seemed like one of those rare weeks that I wasn’t overly manic or depressive. Actually, no. I take that back. I may have thrown a temper tantrum on monday. But after that things seemed to clear up, mood wise. Hopefully it lasts a little longer this time.

From the index cards:
June 23 1700h: Fascinating that so many things – economic phenomena etc. can be described/explained by little lines on a graph. Really cool.
June 24 10ooh: How the hell did I injure my knee? Left inside tendon/ligament thingy sore upon awakening. Did I sleepwalk?
1110h: There are a lot of funny looking asian men in ECON103.
1230h: I really enjoy talking to professors in office hours.
1345h: Correction: I enjoy talking to ungrumpy professors in office hours.
1400h: For every short and cute asian woman that exists, there exists an equally short, not-so-cute-asian man.
1415h: When you can’t figure me out: The secret to women is that we say things we don’t mean and we mean things we don’t say. But not all the time.
1415h: Today I feel very happy and calm and content.
1710h: I am quite possibly…floored. On gradebook, if “MT” stands for midterm, I just got 34/34, i.e. 100%. WTF?! In CMPT120! And so far I have 100% in the course! This has Never Happened Before. Not even close. Never.
1734h: Just discovered my flash animations don’t work on the CSIL computers. Not pleased.
1756h: The secret to not being frustrated and irritated all the time…getting laid.
June 25 1000h: Farrah Fawcett died. Cancer. Brings out my fears. And Jon and Kate Gosselin are divorcing. Not that that matters to anyone except their kids. I hope deep inside that all people who die are at peace. I hope the suicide bombers and war criminals, and serial killers given the death penalty are all at peace. I hope the man who believes he will be rewarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife gets just that. If that’s the best thing he had going for him, I really hope he gets it.
1315h: I just get so fucking agitated at jerks like the guy who made a left turn from behind me while I was halfway across the street during my pedestrian walk light who then told me to look for traffic. It’s my walk sign, fucker! Concentrate on your own fucking half baked fucking driving, idiot!
1350h: playing piano really gets me unagitated. New “easy piano” piece yeah that disney song “A whole new world” from Aladdin. Love it and it’s just so beautiful and takes me away to a different time and place and imaginary life. Need to get a piano of my own so i can stop renting rehearsal space.
1425h: Low F + high GAC chord. Quite a nice way to end a song.
1700h: I had a breakthrough at singing class today. Lowered larynx + space + focus. Singing the exercise “Me-lia”. Letting go. Throwing it away. Fuck yeah. And going to McD’s inbetween rehearsing and class and thinking to enjoy fully and be present doing anything because it might be the last time I do that thing – gosh Steve cried last week when he ate a chicken nugget, having not had one for so long, and thinking that it might be his last. So I went and bought chicken nuggets today to remind myself to live. I couldn’t bring him any, though because he’s fasting, preparing for his colonoscopy tomorrow. And then I came home to find that Michael Jackson had died. What a day. What a week to choose to be facebook & Twitter free.
June 26 1117h: Watched Confessions of a Shopaholic and it wasn’t good. I am disappointed because I had been looking foward to that one for quite some time. Movies and people that try too hard to be funny are rarely really funny. The Make More Money scene ended up on the cutting room floor. All the essential bits of the story that made it a charming and funny story got cut out of the script. Nobody is sympathetic towards a woman who spends too much money (GUILTY!), but somehow the book made you identify so strongly with the protagonist, and the movie just did not succeed. Director needs lessons in directing comedy.
1440h: Been at Burnaby General Hospital since 1230. Steve’s colonoscopy today. yay. One year since we’ve been here for one the last time and we’re still where we began. Not pleased. Hopefully some answers.
1700h: +1 Medication for Steve. Prednisone. At least it’s cheap. + Humira starting ~2 weeks pending all clear from upcoming “urgent” MRI. Apparently the colonoscopy looked very different from last time. Some serious side fx on prednisone i hear. fuck.
1745h: Found out Lorena Gale (Priestess Elosha on BSG) passed away on June 21st. Shocked and saddened. Cancer. Found out Google, Twitter and Wikipedia etc crashed yesterday from too much traffic/too many edits. Again, I re-iterate. What a week to be Twitter and Facebook free.
1800h: Realized that I have this lifelong pattern of disillusionment with stuff. Note to self: write blog entry about disillusionment.
2143h: Made myself a little jar with little 1/8 index card chips inside with things to do when I don’t know what to do. Will pick one each time I find myself not knowing what to do and be just one minute more productive. Each task can be completed within one minute. I like this jar already. Note to self: write blog entry about this jar.

Update: May 2009

Whew. Just wrapping up a few of the most chaotic, stressful weeks of my life. But all is very good right now.

Steve: recovering from surgery. Taking it one day at a time. Oh we had our first wedding anniversary late in April! Yay!

ELAN Awards: 2009 is done and done. The producers are getting the ball rolling for 2010.

Acting: Performed as a french-accented character from the 17th century at the Moonlight Masquerade fundraiser for the Giovanni Bastone Foundation last week, raising money for BC Children’s Hospital and childhood cancer research. One of the funnest performing gigs I have ever done. Thank you to David C. Jones and the Laughter Mission Society for hiring me once again!

School: Back at SFU for my first full semester in 4 years. Yes, it has been that long. It’s great though. This time around, I am determined to not allow myself to get into a habit of falling asleep in class. Also very annoyed at teenagers who chatter through lectures and pack up early. How disrespectful.

Art: SFU Linguistics department hired me to do cartoon drawings for an experiment. A real challenge for me, because I don’t draw people! Ever! But the steep learning curve was good for me, and I’m proud of my work.

BC Politics: Did my part and voted at 8:30 in the morning, reminded everyone on facebook etc! Cannot believe the voter turn out – less than 50%?? How pathetic! Mandatory voting and $300 fine NOW. Those that don’t vote don’t have the right to complain.

“I don’t know the issues” excuse is not valid. Go and find out about the issues – it doesn’t take that long.
“I didn’t have time” excuse is not valid. Make time. Vote early. You are entitled to time off work:

From Elections BC website: “You are entitled to four consecutive hours off from work between 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. on General Voting Day if you are an eligible voter.  It is up to your employer to decide when during the day you can take this time off.  It is illegal for your employer to deduct pay or penalize you for taking time off to vote.  Employers and employees are encouraged to work together so that all eligible voters can vote without disrupting business operations.”

“I didn’t get around to it” excuse is not valid. Voting is an action. You can’t just sit around all day and realize at 7:50pm that you don’t have time to get to the elementary school 2 blocks away.

This sort of inaction really frustrates me. Even in an election where the choices are generally unsavoury either way, you must still get involved! What will it take to get the young vote out there?

Maybe I should run for politics. Would people vote for me? In any case, I’m really feeling the urge to get more involved in something non-partisan, encouraging people to vote. BAH!

“Dismantle The Bridge” @ SFU

Alrighty. Another student film under the belt. This one was called “Dismantle The Bridge”, a second year SFU student film about an Asian-Canadian girl who wants to become an actress, but must overcome traditional-chinese-parental-unit disapproval of her career choice.

Sound familiar? Do nod, if only to humour me. Yes. Close to home indeed.

A huge plus is that I got to use my cantonese in the film. It’s weird, but lately several of the projects that I’ve worked on have required me to speak Chinese, so it’s great that I have at least a foundation in the language off of which I can springboard.

Done and done and screening in April 2009.

For A BLT Sandwich

For the love of BLT sandwiches!!!

Since Saturday, I haven’t been able to feel anything. This Is Our Youth (i was stage manager) finished its run at the Havana Theatre on Saturday, and I filmed a program called “Silent No More – Stop Violence Against Women” on Sunday, in which I was sexually assulted in a date rape situation. I literally could not feel anything, emotionally. It was like I was inside a thick glove, and couldn’t feel happy or sad or anything, really. I felt the pain, but the tears were not happening. Something happened to me on saturday that made me just unable to feel anything. I guess I was just shocked that the run of the play was over.

Until today.
The first day of school. 3 years away from SFU and today I’m back.

Today, I ordered a sandwich from Raven’s Cafe(teria) at Simon Fraser University.
A toasted BLT on brown bread, with 3 circular slices of dill pickle on the side (they’re free).
I then went to pay for it at the cashier.

She did all sorts of fancy button pushing on the machine, talking on and on the entire time, saying, if I enter it this way, it’s $5.34 instead of $5.36 and you save two cents blah blah blah. I really wasn’t following her because on the menu my BLT was $4.10 including GST, and I had no idea what she was going on and on about. So, being me, I asked for a receipt (had to ask twice), to figure out what was going on, after the fact, so that I would have a record, in case I was being overcharged.

After I re-checked the price on the menu at the counter, it turned out that I WAS being overcharged, so I went back a couple of minutes later to get a refund.

Apparently, there are two types of BLT sandwiches, and it depends which counter you order from: the burger counter (toasted – the one I got), or the sandwich counter. The burger counter BLT costs $4.10 including tax, and the sandwich counter BLT costs $5something (apparently either 5.34 or 5.36, according to the lady, according to how she enters it into the till).

Who would’ve figured? Not me, that’s for sure.

So then, the lady says to me, “that’s why I asked you which one you got!” .
When she asked me this in the original transaction, I remember saying, “It’s a BLT”.

So THEN, she makes this consternated thinking face, and tries to figure out how in the world she’s going to refund the money because it’s already in the computer (I guess they don’t get food returns too often), eventually saying that she’s going to go ask someone in the back office, and for me to wait at the counter.

She disappears, and I wait.
And wait.
And wait.
And I tell two people that I’m waiting for a refund because they’re wondering where to pay for their food because there’s nobody at the till.

And wait.
I swear she was gone for 5 minutes.
Like, long enough to take a really luxurious bathroom break.

Then she comes back, saying that the lady in the back will try to change it in the computer system. So she takes my receipt, and starts scribbling on the back. “5.34 minus a dollar (something i don’t remember what she was writing down…i shall call it “X”) difference is a dollar (something I shall call this “Y”) but since I already gave you sixteen cents change that comes to a dollar oh-eight”.

At this point, it’s my turn to look at her with this consternated look on MY face, thinking, “why are you factoring in what change you gave me?” BECAUSE, of course, obviously, it doesn’t matter how much I originally gave her, as long as she gave me the correct change the first time and I paid her a grand total of $5.34. So I ask her to explain again. So she explains whatever her method is. To me, it was obviously not correct.

In my mind:
It should’ve been 5.34 (incorrect price charged) minus 4.10 (correct price) equals the change she owed me.
It should’ve been VEEEEERRRRY simple math.
She should be GIVING me $1.24.

What she was explaining:
5.34 minus the difference minus the 16 cents change i already gave you means that I owe you a dollar oh eight.

And then, she looked at me, and said, “You’re getting this? “
Me:”No…”
Her: “What don’t you get? You’re in school, right?” and proceeds to explain her whole method again, to my stupefied face.
As if I’m stupid. She explains it all again, as if it’s totally correct and I’m just not getting it.
Her: “You still don’t get it? What do you want?”
Me: “All I want…is to have lunch”.

So I took the $1.08 that she gave me (a loonie and 8 pennies, no less) and wandered over to where Steve was waiting.

And then I put down my sandwich on the table
And then I walked outside to the patio (empty)
And then I screamed, AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH to the mountains.

And then I came back in and apologized to the people that had stopped eating their lunch to look at me, checking me out to see if 1. I was crazy 2. If I was alright 3. If they should run for their lives.

And then I sat down, and promptly started feeling.
And the tears started flowing
And I experienced all the pain and trauma that had been shut off since Saturday.

And I couldn’t eat my sandwich.
Maybe I just don’t like being told I’m wrong and being made to feel stupid, when I know for a fact I am not wrong.

So Steve went up and sorted it out with her because I couldn’t deal.
Eventually, she came over to our table with the correct change, after consulting with somebody in the back room.

I couldn’t stop being very upset. All for a BLT sandwich. And the 16 cents that she couldn’t see was missing.

No, not just for a BLT Sandwich.
For the play that ended Saturday (great run, just stunned it was over)
For the experience of being sexually assaulted (an acting role, not the real thing)
Okay, maybe a little bit for the BLT Sandwich.

I think the pain of thinking about sexual assault for an entire weekend finally came out in those BLT sandwich tears and sobs. She just got to me, you know? And it’s like once I start crying, I cry about everything that I have needed to cry about for the past week. So it’s probably not even a sandwich issue!

It was like…a dollar something that she over charged me. I’m not poor enough that a dollar is life or death to me – it’s the principles of charging the right amount, and giving correct refunds that got me. I just HATE confrontation with a passion. I HATE being made to feel stupid.

Better Luck (Love) Tomorrow. BLT Sandwiches.

I will cry for 16 cents, but only if you know which buttons to push

And to top it all off, I just discovered that I spilt coffee on the course materials that I was planning to return to distance ed.
Fuck me.

In tears, I went to the furthest edge of the parking lots by residence, on the edge of a cliff, picked a couple handfuls of blackberries, and ate my BLT sandwich.

And wrote this.

And stared into the nothingness of the forest.

And now I feel very at peace.

Thinking back, the poor woman was trying to HELP me save two cents. Which is so cool now that I think about it…it just so happened that she couldn’t do math (but thought she could).

The one redeeming point of this story is that the BLT sandwich was really good.
Probably one of the best I’ve ever had.

Lucky.